I need to let this out of my chest..

Hindi ako dalawin ng antok..
Parang my nakadagan sa dibdib ko..
Ang daming tumatakbo sa isip ko..

Hindi ko alam kung tama ba ang mga iniisip ko sa pagkakataon na'to..
Kagaya ng marami takot na akong magmahal at magbahagi ng sarili ko sa iba..
Pero may taong dumating sa buhay ko na nagpabago nun..inisip ko na iba sya.. at sabi ko sa sarili ko sure ako hindi ako sasaktan ng tao na'to..
Nakita ko kung gaano sya kabuti sa akin.. palagi nya ako pinaalalahanan ngumiti.. masasabi kong tunay syang kaibigan..
Naramdaman ko ang pagpapahalaga at pagmamahal nya sa akin..
Sobrang thankful ako na dumating sya sa buhay ko..
Nagkaroon ako ng isang kaibigan na alam kong hindi ako iiwan..na maiintindihan ako.. taong muling nagpasaya sa akin..
Hindi ko naisip na masasaktan ako..
Siguro nga kasalanan ko lahat..
Narealize ko na hindi lang pala lokohin ka ang masakit..
Masakit rin pala na ipamuka sayo kung gaano ka kasamang tao..na tipong hindi ka marunong magmahal..
Alam ko na ang dami kong mali..ang dami kong kasalanan..
Naka sakit ako ng ibang tao..
Pero hindi ko gusto yun..hindi ko alam..siguro nga insensitive akong tao.. tingin nila wala akong emotion.. siguro nga ganun..
Naitatago ko na nasasaktan ako.. naitatago ko kung ano talaga ang nararamdaman ko..
Haaaay...
Sana panaginip lang ang lahat.. dahil totoong ang sakit..
Matalim pa sa kutsilyo ang mga salita..
Siguro nga pathetic ako..
Mapagpanggap..
Walang kosensya..
Ng uuto ng kapwa ko..
Hindi marunong magpahalaga sa kaibigan..
Manloloko..
Pahirap sa ibang tao..
In short walang puso..
Lagi kong paalalahanan ang sarili ko kung ano talaga akong klase ng tao.. para hindi ko na naisin pa na maghanap ng pagmamahal dahil hindi ko deserve yon..
I deserve to be left alone..
I deserve this pain.. for being a monster..
God forgive me po sa lahat..
I'm sorry if I cause pain to others..

MIA again?? Update lang...

Hmmm...
I missed writing here on my blog..
Well I was busy lately.. I got a new job..and for that I thank you LORD..
I just want to share that things are getting better..
I feel so happy and blessed.. though there are still some problems but I know it will pass..
I trust God..I believe in His perfect timing and His will..
Soon I'll post more..but for now..I really need to go to bed..I've been lacking of sleep lately..
God Bless us all... :)

Me in a song??

If you happen to be a lucky part of my roller coaster love life.. you'll know.. haha

This song by Jason Mraz..describes me.. LOL :D

A Beautiful Mess..

You've got the best of both worlds

You're the kind of girl who can take down a man,

And lift him back up again

You are strong but you're needy,

Humble but you're greedy

Based on your body language,

Your shouted cursive I've been reading

You're style is quite selective,

Though your mind is rather reckless

Well I guess it just suggests

That this is just what happiness is

[Chorus]

Hey, what a beautiful mess this is

It's like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write

Kind of turn themselves into knives

And don't mind my nerve you can call it fiction

Cause I like being submerged in your contradictions dear

Cause here we are, here we are

Although you were biased I love your advice

Your comebacks they're quick

And probably have to do with your insecurities

There's no shame in being crazy,

Depending on how you take these

Words that paraphrasing this relationship we're staging

[Chorus]

And it's a beautiful mess, yes it is

It's like, we are picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say

Kind of turn themselves into blades

And the kind and courteous is a life I've heard

But it's nice to say that we played in the dirt

Cause here, here we are, Here we are

(Here we are) 

We're still here

And what a beautiful mess this is

It's like taking a guess when the only answer is yes

And through timeless words in priceless pictures

We'll fly like birds not of this earth

And tides they turn and hearts disfigure

But that's no concern when we're wounded together

And we tore our dresses and stained our shirts

But it's nice today, oh the wait was so worth it.. :)

Handa ka bang magparaya?

Ang sarap magmahal.. lalo na kung mahal ka rin ng taong mahal na mahal mo..

Yung pareho nyong sinasambit ang salitang "Mahal na mahal kita.."

Yung ipapangako nyo sa isa't isa na "Hinding hindi kita iiwan.."

Yung inaantay nyo na lang yung pagharap nyo sa altar para sumumpa kay GOD at sabihin ang "I do" kasunod nito ang vows nyo na.. "to have and to hold..from this day forward..for better or for worse..for richer for poorer..in sickness and in health..to love and to cherish.. till death do us part"

Haaaaay..ang sarap isipin noh?

Pero hindi nga kasi lahat ng lovestory ay may happy ending..ganun pa man naniniwala ako na ang true love walang katapusan.. :) 

Kung mahal mo ipaglaban mo..Tama! Kaya lang minsan kasi hindi nasusukat ang pagmamahal sa pagpaparamdam mo sa kanya kung gaano mo sya kamahal..sa pagpapakita mo kung gaano mo pinahahalagahan ang isang katulad nya sa buhay mo..kung paano mo sya tinanggap bilang isang taong ninanais mong makasama hanggang sa pagtanda mo..dahil hindi sapat na ikaw lang ang may gusto nito..

Masakit man pero may pagkakataong kailangan mong matutunang magparaya..dahil ang taong minamahal mo ay hindi na masaya sa piling mo..o dahil hindi lang talaga ito ang tamang panahon para sa inyo..at dahil mas masasaktan ka lang kapag patuloy mo pa syang hahawakan..

Mahirap talaga ang magparaya pero kung ito ang mas makakabuti para sa inyo..gawin mo..dahil kagaya nga ng sinabi ko isa rin itong paraan para maipakita mo ang pagmamahal mo... isipin mo na lang na hindi mo sya pag-aari kaya anu mang oras pwede talaga syang mawala sa'yo.. at huwag ka ring magtanim ng sama ng loob dahil ang tunay na nagmamahal ay hindi makasarili.. Ang totoong nagmamahal ay hindi humihingi ng kapalit.. Yung kuntento ka na lang na makita siyang masaya sa piling ng taong mas makakapagpasaya sa kanya.. 

Ang daling sabihin di ba? Pero ano ba ang mas mahirap ang patuloy mong mahalin ang taong hindi ka na minamahal o ang magparaya ka at palayain rin ang sarili mo?! Oo..kasabay ng pagpaparaya mo ang pagbibigay mo sa sarili mo ng kalayaan at pagkakataong makakilala ng taong handang suklian ang pagmamahal mo.. :)

Ok na ba talaga si AKO???

Paano mo ba masasabi na ok na talaga ang isang tao mula sa sakit na dulot ng pag-ibig??

Sakit na dulot ng pag-ibig? Bakit??!

Oo..nakakalungkot talagang isipin na hindi lang saya ang naidudulot ng pag-ibig...dahil kung minamalas ka..'yang pag-ibig na yan pa ang magdudulot sa'yo ng matinding sakit..
Sakit na hindi mo alam kung kelan matatapos..dahil sa tuwing mararamdaman mo ang pagmamahal mo sa taong nanakit at nang-iwan sa'yo..dun mo mararamdaman ang sakit na dulot nito? ano raw??

Talaga nga naman..ang buhay ay sadyang napakamapanuya di ba?!Kung sino pa ang pinili mong mahalin ng paulit ulit.. sya pa yung mang-iiwan sa'yo sa panahong kailangan mo ng makakasama.. sa panahong kailangan mo ng taong makakaintindi sa'yo..
Ang taong nangakong hindi ka kailanman sasaktan at iiwan..Ang taong lubos mong pinagkatiwalaan ng buhay at pagmamahal mo..
Yun pala sa huli bibitawan ka rin nya sa paraang hindi mo inaakala...

So..paano nga ba masasabi na ok na talaga ang isang katulad ko??

Kapag ba wala na sa utak mo ang katangahan na tapusin ang buhay mo dahil tingin mo yun rin ang katapusan ng lahat ng sakit na dulot ng pag-ibig mo??
Kapag ba hindi ka na umiiyak ng balde baldeng luha?? Yung tipong wala ng maipapatak ang mata mo??
Kapag ba tapos ka na magemote sa mga kaibigan mo na sawa na rin makinig sa kwento mong paulit ulit lang naman??
Kapag ba nakakatulog ka na ng mahimbing sa gabi o hindi ka na bigla biglang magigising sa gabi para magemote mag-isa??
Kapag ba hindi mo na kinakausap ang sarili mo sa harap ng salamin..dahil sa sobrang dami mong tanong na hindi mabigyan ng sagot eh pinagtiyagaan mo na lang kausapin ang sarili mo??
Kapag ba hindi ka na natutulala kapag nakasakay ka ng tricycle..ng jeep..o ng bus..para magmumuni-muni nanaman ng "what ifs"??
Kapag ba hindi ka na nagpopost ng malulungkot na status mo sa facebook..o sa twitter..o tapos ka na rin magemote sa blog kagaya ng ginagawa ko?? :)
O pwede rin naman na ang pictures mo na ipopost sa instagram ay kung gaano ka kasaya sa buhay mo na wala na siya??
Kapag ba pagod ka na mgstalk sa ex mo at sa pinalit nya sa'yo..dahil maiisip mong bakit pa..sayang lang ang oras mo sa kanila? pero tempting aminin??
Kapag nagpalit ka na ng number mo at bnlock mo na siya sa facebook at lahat ng mutual friends mo na walang kinalaman dinamay mo na rin??
Kapag ba ayaw mo ng magbasa ng blog..articles..video sa youtube ng "how to get my ex back?" dahil natauhan ka na..at narealize mo na..oo tanga ka talaga para balakin pa yan..
Kapag ba nakakain ka na ulit ng marami na dati isang kucharang kanin hindi mo pa malunok??
Kapag ba sawa ka na sa lasa ng alak? at naisip mo na wala rin naman mangyayari sa paglalasing mo dahil hindi naman nawawala ang sakit at nauubusan ka lang ng pera.. (pero hindi ko yan ginawa ha..defensive noh?)
Kapag ba tinanggal mo na rin ang playlist mong "Move on songs"?? at puro masasayang kanta na lang ang gusto mong marinig kasi pag nakarinig ka nanaman ng malungkot na kanta masasabi mong nakarelate ka nanaman??
Kapag ba lumalabas ka na ulit kasama ang mga kaibigan mo kasi ayaw mo ng magmukmok sa kwarto mag-isa??
Kapag ba hindi ka na nakikinig kay Papa Jack..kasi nga iniisip mo dati na palagi kang makakarelate sa lahat ng caller nya??
Kapag ba nakakangiti o nakakatawa ka na kasama ang mga kaibigan mo o kahit mag-isa ka lang??
Kapag ba hindi ka na nanunuod ng mga lovestory na ang kwento ay tungkol sa mga lovers na nagkahiwalay at nagkabalikan sa ending??
Kapag ba kaya mo ng tignan ang mga pictures at loveletters nyo nuon na hindi ka nasasaktan?? o kaya naitapon/nasunog mo na lahat ng bagay na bigay nya sa'yo at bagay na magpapaalala ng tamis ng pagmamahalan nyo nuon??
Kapag ba sinisimulan mo na ulit makipagdate sa iba?? At sinsabi mo ng paulit ulit sa sarili mo na "There are plenty of fish in the sea"??
Kapag ba lahat ng kantang pang move-on sa videoke eh nakanta mo na?? at dahil naubusan ka na nga ng kakantahin eh dapat maubos na rin ang sakit na nasa puso mo??
Kapag ba hindi ka na mapait kaysa sa ampalayang ulam namin kahapon??
Kapag may kaibigan kang nagkwento kung gaano kasaya ang lovestory nila at hindi ka affected kasi ikaw single??
Kapag yung Bff mo ikakasal na five days from now at hindi mo maiisip na napag-iwanan ka na nila?? Oo halos lahat ng tropa mo may anak na..ikaw na lang ang wala..
Kapag ba hindi ka naiinggit sa mga HS friends mo na single nuon at ngayon ay may masasayang lovelife at ikaw kakabreak nyo lang??
Kapag ba hindi mo na isinusumpang nakilala mo siya?? dahil napasaya ka rin naman nya di ba??
Kapag ba out of the blue nag paramadam sya sa text at dinedma mo na lang siya? Wow..ang galing mo!!

Oo ang galing mo! Napaniwala mo sila..pero hindi si AKO! Kaya mong dayain ang lahat pero hindi si AKO!

Kaya pwede ba kayo na lang ang sumagot??

Paano nga ba malalaman na ok na si AKO??!! Kasi alam ko minsan dumaan rin kayo sa pagiging si AKO...

Ang tugon nyo ay lubos na ipagpapasalamat ni AKO... :)

Text Message..

Abala ako kanina sa pag-aayos ng mga gamit ko..yung mga gamit na kinuha pa namin ng kapatid ko mula sa apartment ko sa Makati..
Katulong ko ang kasambahay namin na isa-isahin ang bawat bag at kahon..
Iniwan ko sandali ang cellphone ko..
Makalipas ang kalahating oras at halos matatapos na kami ng tinignan ko ang cellphone ko..
May nagtext.. nagulat talaga ako.. hindi ko inaasahan na magpaparamdam pa sya..
Maiksi lang ang mensahe nya pero pinag-iisipan ko talaga bakit pa sya nagtext? dahil ba naka tatlong buwan na mula ng huli kaming magkita?
Hindi ko talaga maintindihan? Bakit kung kaylan nagsisismula na akong baguhin ang direksyon ng buhay ko bigla na lang sya magpaparamdam? Kung kelan nya lang gusto..
Hindi ko talaga maunawaan kung ano ang tumatakbo sa utak nya..
Marahil gusto lang nyang malaman kung magpapaapekto pa ako sa kanya..
Makasarili sya...yun lang ang alam ko..ni hindi nya ako binigyan ng paliwanag nung mga panahong kailangan ko ng sagot.. at ngayon na hinayaan ko na lang ang lahat dun naman sya magpaparamdam? Para ano?
Para saktan at kunin ang tiwala ko?
Kung pagkakaibigan ang pakay nya..hindi pa ngayon...
Hindi pa ako handa...
Bakit ba?? Isang simpleng text lang naman yun...bakit ba ako papaapekto?!
Isa lang ang malinaw..iniwan nya ako..

His Name all over the place...

What do I feel right now??
Well I'm getting better..although he left me..and he's out of his mind... I must say that i still have faith with his LOVE..

Last Monday I had blogged about getting over him..yeah..coz what's the point of waiting if he's happy with someone else.. It's so hurtful to see THE ONE you love the most is happy with someone else..that she can put a smile on his face.. but my heart will remind me that "If you really love him...you will not be bothered if he is happy with her...coz seeing him happy is your happiness too.. that is unconditional love.."

Well I'm only a human so some part of me..will also tell me that he betrayed me..he made me cry.. he fed me with his lies.. he used me..blah blah blah.. and it's normal to feel hatred..anger..revenge.. the usual thing that a person that will feel if someone hurt him soooo bad.. And yeah..that's my nature.. but I was also astonished.. I don't feel that way now.. I only what is too see him happy even if it's not with me..

And this lead me on my search..coz I'm a hard-core believer of SOUL MATES.. coz the moment I looked into his eyes.. i feel so lost with his gazes..the connection was so different.. I still remember the jolt of electricity that he sends through my veins.. that's how intense it is.. I swear it's like our souls are so united.. it feels like home.. :) ♥♥♥

Like i said I started to do my research.. I know I'm a little weird.. And thanks to my inquisitive nature... I want answers.. answers that he never gave me..

Lately I just discovered this weird and oddest thing I've heard.. Something bigger and more amazing than a soul mate.. Yes..whenever I thought of this..makes me smile.. It's "Twin Flame"..

So what is "Twin Flame"? It's another part of your soul.. Yes!!! basically a Soul that is splint into two.. Female and Male....weird??! Yes...it's really hard to believe..and this makes me sound crazy.. I am no expert regarding this.. I just kept on reading..all information and experience that I could get.. and it thrills me.. coz all my questions were answered with this amazing thing so called "Twin Flame"..This thing gives me hope that we'll be reunited soon.. (I will talk more about our Twin Flame signs next time..)

But unfortunately some photos ruined my realization (remember my blog: Struck with a bullet?)..and then again my brain will tell me "Kristine..stop it..you'll just giving yourself an excuse for him..you just give yourself a false hope..don't be stupid.. STOP..IT'S OVER" So i blogged again.. keep reminding myself that I should forget him and it's over .. That there is another person that is meant for me and it's not him..

Last Monday a Simple Miracle happened.. then God's message reached me again.. That He is the perfect planner.. Everything happens for a reason.. I just need to trust him completely..

My decision is to get over him..but yesterday.. It's so funny that while I was browsing the internet like I always do.. I saw his Name on different pages.. three times.. and it made me smile.. Then at work..I still manage to surf the internet.. and this was much more amazing.. Our theme song was "I can't help falling in love with you" which I get from the teleseries "The Wedding" where the Bride was Anne Curtis and Mr.Wrong is Zanjoe Marudo (but he's really her partner).. I just want to know when it was first aired on TV and I came across to the cast I saw an actor named "Michael de Mesa".. I smiled and see who he is..and to my surprised he is the actor in "Sana maulit muli" the teleseries that has been going on my mind the fast few days.. coincidence?? And by the way our themes song..there was a version sang by Ingrid Michaelson.. which was I'm really not aware of..I just found out on last Valentines day.. coincidence?? Another reading regarding Twin Flame lead me to "Michael Archangel"..since I was young I was a believer of angels.. :)

Not yet done..I was on my way home..usually I listened to tracks of music while I'm on my trip..but last night I had an urge to listen to Papa Jack..coz I want to laugh.. he's such a funny creature.. haha.. Well..I was over surprised.. when I heard the name of the caller was "Michael" and he's Ilocano aswell.. Oh my..not again??! I just smiled again..

While I was on my trip..many thoughts keep playing on my mind.. But the message I get from all of this.. the more I try to forget him..the more the Universe will tell me NO! You cannot just forget your "Twin Flame".. I may not be with him for some reason.. Perhaps we're not both ready now..but soon as we find oneness within ourselves and we are at our best self since we are mirror of each other.. We will be reunited.. :)

Simple Miracle: "Plastic"

SIMPLE MIRACLE- plastic..

This was happened last Tuesday around 12 mid night (Feb 25,2014)..

I was on my way home.. supposed to be 11 ang out ko..kaya lang late na dumating ang kaofficemate ko..
Nung dumating na xa..inayos ko na gamit ko..my mga pagkain akong inuwi na kakainin ko pagdating sa bahay..so sinalpak ko na lang sa bag ko..kasi nagmamadali na kami umuwi..
Ksma ko si MEi.. nag CR muna kmi..then nglalakad na kmi sa drop off ng RCBC Plaza may nakita kong SSS id..then naicp ko dapat kong issurender sa guard pero may babae na papasok at tinignan nya yung ID and to my surprise kilala nya..nabanggit pa nya yung name..so pinaubaya ko na si ID.. may nakita akong bus at nakastop yung traffic lights so nagpaalam na ko kay mei at tumakbo pa ko pero biglang umandar si bus.. I was disappointed..gabi na kasi mahihirapan na ako makasakay..pero after 5 minutes my bus na! Yey..then may naunang sumakay.. tapos ako inilibot ko mata ko hanggang may nakita akong bakante..
Nung magbabayad na'ko..sabi ko bakit may mabaho..ngleak pala yung bagoong na dala ko dahil sa paper bag lang sya nakalagay.. mejo nabadtrip ako..
Tapos yung lalakeng katabi ko..napansin nya siguro yung pagka dismaya ko..at yung ngleak na paper bag..tapos nagulat na lang ako ng sinabi nyang "ma'am plastic po" sabay abot sakin ng plastic na hawak na pala nya simula pa nung umupo ako.. yey! Nagpasalamat ako sa kanya.. at
bigla kong naicp..kaya pala nakita ko yung SSS ID..at lumagpas yung isang bus..at may lalakeng unang sumakay.. dahil sa natapong bagoong.. kaylangan ko ng plastic.. Thank you Lord..late na ako umuwi pero alam ko 24hours po kayong gising para sa amin..
Napakasimple nito..pero para sa akin..sobrang nafeel ko na may mga nangyayari na sa una akala natin panget pero yun pala kailangan mong pagdaanan yun..kasi part yun ng plan NYA.. Na si GOD talaga ang perfect planner. .

I was really amazed by God's Message..that made my Faith stronger.. that everything will be right in his perfect timing.. I only nee to trust HIM.. with him everything is great and better.. :)

It's over..

To the love of my life,

I love you. In a really big, achingly beautiful and utterly terrifying way. You have been able to make me happier than I ever thought possible, but you also have the power to break my heart without warning. I am so tired of being disappointed. I feel like these last months have been exhausting and I don’t know how much longer I can keep pulling this relationship along. Day in and day out I feel like I am holding the weight of us on my shoulders, without any help from you. Do you even care? Are you still in this with me?

It was still vivid to me the night you brought about the topic of getting married. I was so delighted when you confessed me regarding your plans. I want to support you and fulfill what your plans for us. But then i don't get it, coz you don't back it up with your actions. Moreover I discovered something that was so hard to believe..but I still gave you benefit of the doubt since i love you..I forget about what my instinct was telling me.. and just keep it to myself for two months.. 

Every time we're together I can tell by your actions that you're really not the same person I met before. And don’t get me wrong, I’m trying. I’m trying so hard to tell you that I am not happy, yet you’re always more interested to hang out with your colleagues and drink some beer (sometimes without my knowledge)..probably for you it was more captivating than me confessing that I am unhappy? I just don’t understand. How i wished and prayed to God that things will get better. But unfortunately it was going on the opposite direction..coz as time goes by we became more apart and so distant. And i can definitely say that after 39 months of being together we end up being strangers again.

Communicating became very difficult thing for me since you really don't want to connect with me. There are a million different thoughts whirling around my head and I can’t control them anymore. I’m upset. I’m heartbroken that you constantly choose your freedom and I was totally aware that you're already flirting with somebody (which is totally not my thing!). And I know that there were times while we're having trouble with our relationship she was your confidant. It was so frustrating that you chose to believe her opinions and advises rather than mine..Do you really think she knows better what's best for us? Do you even realize how much that hurts? Do you realize how my heart breaks every time you decide that you would rather make her happy than me? I am your girlfriend. You told me I was everything, yet you act like I am just another person you can piss off because I will “just get over it”. I’m not getting over it. 

You told me we needed space.. oh it was a crap..a very lame excuse.. until the very last end you prove me that you don't deserve any kind of trust.. perhaps lying is the only thing that thrills you..

You told me you want a challenge? is that a challenge..lying? flirting with other girls? How about being honest? being faithful? Making this relationship work? I guess that's more challenging.. 

I thought you're a mature person.. I thought you're a Man.. that you don't have any bad intentions.. But it turns out that you're just like any other boys.. All of my admiration is almost gone.. You know how much I want you to be my Man.. But now that you're pulling away.. I will not stop you.. go on play with the field.. coz I want a Man with plans and ambition, not a boy on a pussy-hit mission.. A man that knows that his words  are golden and so he means what he say and talks through his actions..

And again you can’t keep doing this. I want to forget you. I’ve given you too many chances. I’ve learned to trust you too many times over and over. We have never “worked out”. I’m not sure why I still think we would. You have offered me too many words of flattery; just enough to make me keep hanging on and now you needed some space to flirt with other girls. I’m done. You’re not good for me. I have to stop hearing the “when we get married”, “in two years…”, “our children will be”: those words of a future; they never will be reality. So all my hopes are gone I need to accept that things will not be right. We all know you lied. I know you never cared like you said you did. I’m finally realizing that everything you told me was a lie. I've looked so stupid for forgiving you so many times. It’s time I move on. 

I told you "you're my happiness"..but you don't care.. you don't value me anymore..It’s probably my fault coz I trusted you. Yeah..I deserve better. I’m sorry, but I can’t carry this weight anymore.

It’s over. It’s so over

      

struck with a bullet..

I'm still in office.. I just finished my eight hours of work.. today is like an ordinary day..
I'm waiting my colleagues..we'll be having a midnight dinner..
While waiting..I just kill the time by browsing the internet..like I always do..
I came across with another blog..I will be a hypocrite if I'll say that this was the first time I visited her blog..

This time it's different.. I just saw some photos that shocked me.. in my dismay I immediately asked for God's strength...so I composed myself..
it's not a proper place to break down..

I know this will happen..
Perhaps I'm still not ready for this..yes not now that I jaz discovered something great.. these photos just ruined everything I realized this morning..

How fast..that my wonderful realization was turned again into a deeper confusion...
And now it felt like a cold water was poured onto my face.. I felt cold that my body was like freezing...i'm pretty sure it was not from the  breeze coming from our office's aircon.. it was something from inside of me..

Just to explain further what I really feel..

I felt like I was struck with a bullet 20 minutes ago.. the moment I saw those photos..
I felt like there was something heavy on my chest that it made breathing so hard..
I felt that my heart was shuttered again into pieces..

Sigh...

I cleared my mind and take a deep breath...
Good thing that a friend is here..He also noticed what happened to me..he asked me what was wrong with me..I let him see what I saw..and he just joke about it..
And he made me feel that it was ok..
I asked him if I can punch him.. and he just smiled..
I felt some sort of relief.. he told me to listen to this song.. "six degrees of separation" by The script..

After I listened and carefully go over the lyrics.. I had an urge to blog about this.. I just want to release..
To let of the bullet..to let go of the pain..

It just hurts so much that the thigs we used to do..he's now doing it with someone new..

Reminder: it will pass.. things will ge better.. God is up there.. He knows what I feel right now... He will help me get through this..even only tonight..

It's All Coming Back To Me Now

Jaz like any other nights..i find myself waking up in the dead of the night..in my bed..alone..

When everybody's asleep..the sound of silence gives me a vision that is creeping into my veins.. 

All the memories are like movie scenes...it's haunting me..just like an endless nightmare.. that remembering the past will either make me happy or i'll burst into tears..
I will lie to myself if I will tell that I feel happy right now..literally "right now".. 
The sad truth is..I feel like crying.. But what is the point of shedding my tears? Nothing will ever change.. it will only make my eyes sore..my pillow wet.. and makes me feel more empty...
So i chose to be strong.. i chose to slip from the memories.. this will pass.. things will get better..
Maybe it's not now.. But i know soon.. 
I know God will grant me this.. "A time where I can recall the past without feeling any pain..and being thankful that it all happened..that I learned what true LOVE is.. " 
And for now i'd rather forget the past though it's all coming back to me now..                   

                                       "It's All Coming Back To Me Now"

There were nights when the wind was so cold
That my body froze in bed
If I just listened to it
Right outside the window

There were days when the sun was so cruel
That all the tears turned to dust
And I just knew my eyes were
Drying up forever

I finished crying in the instant that you left
And I can't remember where or when or how
And I banished every memory you and I had ever made

But when you touch me like this
And you hold me like that
I just have to admit
That it's all coming back to me
When I touch you like this
And I hold you like that
It's so hard to believe but
It's all coming back to me
(It's all coming back, it's all coming back to me now)

There were moments of gold
And there were flashes of light
There were things I'd never do again
But then they'd always seemed right
There were nights of endless pleasure
It was more than any laws allow
Baby Baby

If I kiss you like this
And if you whisper like that
It was lost long ago
But it's all coming back to me
If you want me like this
And if you need me like that
It was dead long ago
But it's all coming back to me
It's so hard to resist
And it's all coming back to me
I can barely recall
But it's all coming back to me now
But it's all coming back

There were those empty threats and hollow lies
And whenever you tried to hurt me
I just hurt you even worse
And so much deeper

There were hours that just went on for days
When alone at last we'd count up all the chances
That were lost to us forever

But you were history with the slamming of the door
And I made myself so strong again somehow
And I never wasted any of my time on you since then

But if I touch you like this
And if you kiss me like that
It was so long ago
But it's all coming back to me
If you touch me like this
And if I kiss you like that
It was gone with the wind
But it's all coming back to me
(It's all coming back, it's all coming back to me now)

There were moments of gold
And there were flashes of light
There were things we'd never do again
But then they'd always seemed right
There were nights of endless pleasure
It was more than all your laws allow
Baby, Baby, Baby

When you touch me like this
And when you hold me like that
It was gone with the wind
But it's all coming back to me
When you see me like this
And when I see you like that
Then we see what we want to see
All coming back to me
The flesh and the fantasies
All coming back to me
I can barely recall
But it's all coming back to me now

If you forgive me all this
If I forgive you all that
We forgive and forget
And it's all coming back to me
When you see me like this
And when I see you like that
We see just what we want to see
All coming back to me
The flesh and the fantasies
All coming back to me
I can barely recall but it's all coming back to me now

(It's all coming back to me now)
And when you kiss me like this
(It's all coming back to me now)
And when I touch you like that
(It's all coming back to me now)
If you do it like this
(It's all coming back to me now)
And if we, , ,

Simple lang naman ang gusto ko..

Palagi kong tinatanong si GOD bakit pa kita nakiala?? Bakit ka pa dumating sa buhay ko?? Bakit ko pa hinayaang mapalapit ka sa akin… Bakit nga ba???? Ok naman ako eh.. Masaya nmn ako dati sa buhay ko..wala na akong hinahanap pa.. Simple lang ang gusto ko nuon.. yung may isang taong hahawak ng kamay ko at ipaparamdam na proud sya kasi ako yung babaeng minamahal nya.. yung taong aalagaan ako.. yung ipaparamdam sa akin na ako lang..ako lang ang mahal nya.. yung iintindihin ako.. yung magpaparadam sa akin na secured ako... yung ipaparamdam na walang pwedeng manakit sa akin..kasi sya yung knight in shining armor ko... simple lang.. yung taong makikinig sa mga kwento ko..na kahit pauulit ulit.. yung kasama kong tatawa.. kasama kong iiyak... yung hindi ako huhusgahan...yung alam nya kung ano talaga ang laman ng puso ko.. yung kahit hindi ako magsalita..alam na nya.. Gusto lang naman ay kasama ko sya sa lahat ng magagandang mangyayari sa buhay ko..yung dadamay sa akin kapag malungkot ako.. yung alam kong nanjan palagi at hindi ako iiwan.. yung ipaparamdam na hinding hindi sya mawawala..yung hindi nya ako iiwan.. yung pahahalagahan ako... yung maappreciate ako...yung hindi ako sasaktan dahil iniingatan at pinahahalagahan nya ako... yung igagalang ako at mamahalin yung pagkatao ko at hindi yung panlabas na kaanyuan ko... yung taong mawala na ang lahat sya nanjan pa rin...yung ipaglalaban at maninidigan sya sa pagmamahal nya para sa akin..  Gusto kong magkaroon ng isang taong magbabahagi ng buhay nya sa akin.. at ganun rin ako.. dahil naniniwala ako na loving someone is sharing your life with the one you love.. dahil ang time ay hindi nabibili.. ang bawat oras na kasama mo ang taong mahal mo ay hindi mababayaran ng kahit ano... ang maishare mo ang buhay mo sa kanya..  haaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy... bakit ang hirap mangyari yun? is that too much too ask?? i don't want to be alone... i want to spend my life with a special someone... someone that will make my life worth living for... :(

Sino ako?? Ang hindi alam ng marami..

Una sa lahat gusto kong sabihin na.. Isusulat ko lahat ng nilalaman ng puso at kung ano ang nasa isip ko..
Isang sulat na magsisilbing paalala sa akin..sa lahat ng bagay na mahirap gawin at maintindihan.. Kung ito ang paraan para gumaan ang pakiramdam ko sa lahat lahat ng masasakit..sa problemang hindi ko mabigyan ng solusyon at sa mga bagay na mahirap pero dapat kong tanggapin..

Marami na ang nangyari sa buhay ko.. May magaganda at meron ding panget..Yung mga pangyayari na hindi mo inaasahan, na ito pala ang magbabago sa akin at sa kung ano ako ngayon...

Sino nga ba ako?! Kung iisipin at susuriin ko ang sarili ko ngayon ay masasabi kong malayo sa kung ano ako dati.. Pero sadyang ganun naman talaga ang buhay db? Lahat nagbabago at walang permanente.. Kaya ilalarawan ko kung ano sa tingin ko ang dating KRISTINE na kilala ko..

Ako yung tipo ng tao na gusto ko lahat ng nasa paligid ko ay masaya..kasi masayahin akong tao.. Gusto ko mapapangiti ko ang bawat taong makikilala ko.. hindi naman lahat.. yung mga taong magiging parte ng buhay ko..

Pagdating sa karunungan..hindi ko masasabing matalino ako o napakahusay sa pag-aaral.. pero marami akong pangarap sa buhay.. Mataas akong mangarap.. at kung minsan nga napagsasabihan pa ako ng Mama ko dahil masyado raw akong mataas mangarap.. Pero kasi di ba? (ano raw?) Mangangarap ka yung mataas na..dahil isa ito sa libreng bagay na masarap isipin.. :) Basta ang alam ko.. Ilagay mo sa puso mo ang mga pangarap na ito at samahan mo ng gawa.. Walang imposible.. Lalo na kung hindi ka makakalimot kay GOD.. sya kasi ang unang mamakatulong sa'yo at syempre ang sarili mo..

I'm a confident woman.. para sa akin kasi ito ang magdadala sa'yo kapag marami kang kaharap na tao.. Be proud kung anong meron ka.. :)

I love challenges..kasi for me dito nasusukat ang kakayahan mo at kung ano ang kaya mong maibigay.. It will makes you up who you are in the future.. Challenges will make you grow and let you realize what you're capable of doing..

Dahil sa mahilig ako sa challenges..alam kong matapang ako..Hindi ko hahayaan na maagrabyado ako at ang taong mahal ko at mahalaga sa akin.. as long as nasa tama ako..ipaglalaban ko..

At dahil sa katapangan na ito..minsan at aaminin kong nagiging matigas ang ulo ko.. Pakiramdam ko kasi ako ang nasa tama kaya dapat ako ang masunod..at pagpipilitan ko kahit minsan ako na pala yung mali..pero syempre marunong naman akong tumggap ng pagkakamali..

Gusto ko yung palagi akong may kasama...may makakausap..may kapalitan ng opinyon kasi naniniwala ako na magkakaiba ang tao...sa pakikisalamuha sa kanila ay marami akong matututunan.. Gusto ko rin kasi na mayroon akong kasama lalo na kapag Masaya ako..kasi gusto ko may kasalo ako sa magagandang pangyayari sa buhay ko.. pero syempre gusto ko rin may kasama ako sa oras ng kagipitan.. at puno ng bagabag.. Katulad ngayon (sapat na ang papel at ballpen na hawak ko kasi wala naman akong choice..)

Hindi  ko masasabing napakabuti kong tao dahil sa totoo lang ang dami kong kapalpakan na nagawa sa buhay ko...mga desisyon na mali..mga bagay na nakasakit ako sa iba..siguro nga may pagka makasarili ako..pero hinahangad kong mapabuti lahat ng taong minamahal ko...dahil mahalaga sila sa akin..

I'm optimistic person..oo dapat palaging "Think Positive"..Kasi kung sa una pa lang may takot ka na...at negative na ang iniisip mo..paano na db? Kaya ganun ako..If hindi man mangyari ang ineexpect natin.. may dahilan at siguradong may next time pa naman.. Pero syempre always make the most out of it..Live you life to the fullest and give your best shot!

Mahilig ako sa ARTs...Musika..isa kasi itong paraan kung paano mo maeexpress ang nasa puso mo at kung ano ka..

I FEAR GOD..alam kong hindi nya ako bibiguin...kahit napakaraming beses ko na syang binigo.. Kahit na matigas ang ulo ko..alam ko na lahat tayo ay hindi nya pababayaan...kaya huwag tayong makakalimot sa kanya..

I belive that best things in life are free.. kagaya ng LOVE..pagmamahal ng magulang sa kanyang anak..or ng pagmamahal ng taong Mahal mo.. Ang yakap ng kaibigan.. yung oras na ibinabahagi ng taong mahalaga sa'yo at pinahahalagahan mo..

(Sinulat ko nung August 31 2013)

Notepad: 02-04-2014

I'm back.. Why?? Just read...

It's been a long time since I last posted here on my blog.. I think about a year ago? Anyway..
So many things have change and happened in my life in that span of time..
If you will gonna asked me why I'm back? Simply because I want to escape from my reality..
Yes.. I just need an oulet.. Right now I'm in trouble..in pain..
I wish this is a nightmare I'm dealing right now..
I thought this will never happen to me..
Life is unfair.. I don't need to blame anyone but myself..
I easily trusted someone..
I thought I found my real happiness..
I thought He will always be there by my side..
It's not easy to accept things..
Right now there are lot of things going on my mind..
My heart was so broken...
If only I can turn back the time..
Now I can say that I have done the biggest mistake in my life..
I thought he will stay with me forever..
I thought he will never let me down..
I thought I was chasing a pot of gold...only to find out that it was just cornflakes..
If only I can change the past...But everything was said and done..
He leaves me with a broken heart... My heart is full of patches.. I tried so hard and believe that everything will gonna be fine as long as we're together.. But I was wrong.. He just leave me with even more wounded heart..
I don't have the right to ask GOD why this is all happening..
HE gave me signs but I ignored it..thinking that this MAN i knew was the one for me..
I was totally wrong easily trusting a stranger.. I trusted him soo much.. that I even fight for him..
But now he left me.. he left me with so much pain..so much fear.. I wish I can turn back the time.. If only I can...
I was so blinded by this so called LOVE that I didn't see that He's only fooling me...Making me believe that He'll always be with me..
I wish this is only a nightmare and please somebody wake me up!!!